


Silent

by vl19scriptfic



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel
Genre: Gen, also, bonus bobbi and hunter mentions, honestly most everything i write is a team fic, i only tagged the main relationships but this is basically a team fic, i was gonna rewrite this to match canon after that finale but lol no fuck that im keeping lincoln, surprise- lincoln isn't dead, this is not quite canon compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-21
Updated: 2016-05-21
Packaged: 2018-06-09 21:30:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6924181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vl19scriptfic/pseuds/vl19scriptfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Guilt overtaking her, Daisy flees from SHIELD after attending Andrew Garner's funeral. Melinda May vows to bring her home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Silent

Daisy stumbled, and Fitz braced his hand against her arm instantly. 

“Hey, easy there.” 

Daisy glanced at him, grateful, barely mustering the energy to take another step forward. Jemma had told her to expect some fatigue as she recuperated from her heavy blood loss, but she hadn’t been prepared for this intensity. All she wanted to do was curl into the ground right where she stood and sleep. 

Lincoln caught up to them, falling into step beside Daisy, gripping her hand to help steady her. Behind him, May walked with a resolve Daisy hadn’t quite seen before. Perhaps this was what grief looked like on her. 

“Daisy, you know you don’t have to do this. Be here, I mean. That fight took a lot out of you. You need to rest. I understand.” 

They all turned, each of them surprised to hear May speak. They’d expected mostly silence from her, especially considering the occasion. Daisy stopped, hanging back, motioning for Fitz and Lincoln to go on without her. 

“May, no, it’s alright. I do have to be here.” 

It was a simple statement, not with embellishment or excess, and May made no further argument.

“Can you walk?” May asked, looking prepared to catch Daisy if she fell. 

Daisy blinked, shaking off a layer of exhaustion. The fatigue came and went, and right now it was leaving. For the moment, she felt okay. She nodded as much to May. 

When they reached the end of the Zephyr ramp, Daisy saw the crowd around the casket. It was a small crowd, no more than 10 people, and as they reached the threshold, Daisy saw that the casket was open. 

It struck her that this was why the funeral gathering was so small. May must have wanted an open casket service, and they couldn’t very well invite people from Andrew Garner’s personal life and explain to them why Lash looked the way he did. Everyone in the crowd, aside from General Talbot, was SHIELD personnel. So few people would understand what Andrew had sacrificed. 

Daisy was glad to be among the few. 

She took a seat on one of the benches set up in tidy rows, Mack and Fitz on either side of her. 

“Hey, tremors, you feeling alright?” 

Mack’s voice was low. Daisy had arrived just in time, and the service was beginning. She nodded a response, looking intently toward the center of the field where the open grave was already swallowing the daylight. Coulson stood with his hand on May’s arm. They were the only two not sitting down. 

And as Coulson spoke, ever the steadfast leader of SHIELD, Daisy couldn’t help the tears from dripping limply down her cheeks. Because everything Coulson was saying was true. Andrew was a hero. He’d done immeasurable good for SHIELD, and the fact was that Daisy likely wouldn’t be here without him. He’d saved her. That had been his final act. They’d all been so afraid of him, so afraid of what he’d become, and he’d saved her. And now he was dead. 

Guilt threatened to crack her chest in two. 

Through the fog in her head she felt Mack’s arm around her shoulders and Fitz’s hand gripping hers, and she shut her eyes, letting the two of them tether her to the moment. She wouldn’t get lost in her own head right now. Not while they were honoring the man who’d saved her life. 

But there it was again. 

He’d saved her life, but how many people had she hurt before Andrew had gotten to her? 

In the pressure of Mack’s arm against her shoulders, all she could feel was the way his ribs had cracked beneath her hands. She’d nearly killed him. And in Fitz’s gentle fingers wound around hers, she could only feel the fear she’d seen in his eyes as she’d pressed the oxygen out of his lungs. She’d nearly killed him, too. 

It was too much. 

Coulson had stepped down from the podium, someone Daisy didn’t know was speaking now, and Coulson had returned to May’s side. Daisy couldn’t tell if May’s hand was actually shaking, or if tears were just blurring her vision from this far back. The ceremony stretched on, the sun rising to full potency overhead. 

When it came time to take a break, the low murmur of a dozen voices at once floated up over the tall grasses of the field. Talbot had announced that Andrew was to be given a headstone in a military memorial graveyard, despite his being buried elsewhere. His sacrifice was to be honored as well as possible. 

It was too much. 

She’d done this. Andrew was dead because of her. It all felt like one sick fairytale, beginning the moment she’d gotten her powers in that temple. No, actually, it had begun the moment she’d stepped onto the Bus for the first time. Everything, all of it- it had led up to this. She’d hurt them all terribly. Andrew was dead. 

It was her fault. 

She had to go. 

The quinjet was sitting on top of the Zephyr, all set to go. All the had to do was tell them she was feeling tired again. That she had to go and rest. She knew they’d listen. 

Guilt taunted her. Her family couldn’t heal with her here. 

She knew. 

Daisy squeezed both Mack and Fitz’s hands, looking gratefully at the both of them, shoving her guilt down for as long as she could, taking their faces into her mind. Mack with his gentle compassion and Fitz with his fierce loyalty. She’d always wanted brothers growing up, and now she had two. 

She had to leave. 

Lincoln walked up to them, extending a hand down to where Daisy sat, and Daisy took it, allowing him to pull her up to standing. He folded his arms around her, not saying anything, kissing the top of her head as he did. She let herself sink into him for a second, committing the tingle of his skin to memory, before pulling back and turning to Jemma. Jemma looked concerned. 

“Daisy, are you feeling alright? You’re looking a bit paler than before. Perhaps you should get back to base and get some more rest.” 

Daisy nodded, grateful that Jemma had come up with the idea before she’d had to say it herself. 

“Would you like me to come with you?” Jemma asked. 

Daisy shook her head, squeezing Jemma’s shoulder. 

“No, it’s okay, I can make it back on my own. Thank you, though. Really.” 

Jemma smiled at her, and Daisy framed the smile in her mind. She wouldn’t let herself forget it.

A few feet away, Coulson broke off his conversation with Talbot. Daisy knew he’d understand if she wanted to return to base and rest. He wouldn’t argue. 

“Hey, Daisy, you doing okay?” 

Coulson looked worried. Daisy supposed her eyes must be redder than usual. 

“Yeah, actually I was just coming to tell you- I think I’m gonna head back to base. I talked to Simmons and she thinks it’s a good idea. I could probably use another IV and I figure I should head out before things start up again. Can I take the quinjet?” 

Coulson nodded his approval, resting a hand on her shoulder as if to steady her. Although she didn’t need it, she was glad of it anyway. 

“Thanks. I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t-“ 

“It’s okay. We all understand. And we all want you to get better. No flying, though. In case you lose consciousness. Put the jet on autopilot, alright? Promise me no barrel rolls?” 

Daisy couldn’t help but laugh. “Promise.” 

“Things are gonna look up, Daisy. You’re home now. It’ll be okay.” 

Daisy wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his shoulder before he could see her tears. She wanted it to be true. She wanted it to be okay, to be able to truly be home again. 

But all she could focus on was the memory of him saying ‘welcome home, Agent Johnson’ and the way she’d felt as if she didn’t deserve to be home. 

Guilt sang to her again, sweeter this time, harsher. She didn’t deserve to be home. 

Even after Coulson let go of her, she archived the feeling of his arms around her shoulders, aware of the crushing uncertainty of whether she’d ever see him again. And when Coulson seemed to notice something in the distance beyond Daisy, she turned to see where he was looking. 

On a distant hill, barely visible, were two tiny figures. One was shorter than the other, and she was too far away to see their faces, but she cast her senses down into the earth and she knew who they were. 

Bobbi and Hunter. 

She could tell from the way their pulses vibrated with the soil, from the way Hunter put more weight on his left leg than his right, from the sheer rootedness of Bobbi’s stance. They each had their own seismic fingerprint, and Daisy recognized them immediately.

Her heart swelled. Off to the side, Coulson was shaking Talbot’s hand, appearing to be thanking him. 

Talbot must have found a way to get them a message about Andrew. They were so far away. 

Daisy longed to run to them, to let the pressure of Bobbi’s bear hug and the wit in Hunter’s snarky remarks comfort her, but she stood her ground. She couldn’t put them in danger. And she knew that if she went to them, she’d never be able to tear herself away. 

She was glad they hadn’t been around to see what she’d done. She was glad they were safe, out of harm’s way- out of her way. 

Her resolve stiffened once more. They were safe because they’d been away from her. It had to be the same for everyone else. 

So she dug up memories, an image of Bobbi’s bright grin and Hunter’s raucous laugh, and stashed them away once more. She’d always love them. But they were gone for a reason.

Finally Daisy looked to where May stood in front of the casket, her head bowed, her shoulders hanging lower than Daisy had ever seen. A fresh wave of guilt washed over her. 

May had been through so much. Bahrain, Andrew’s initial transformation, Andrew’s final transformation later on, and now this. She didn’t deserve it. She didn’t deserve any of it. And the knowledge that Daisy had contributed to her burden? 

It was unbearable. 

Daisy wanted to run. 

But again, she stood her ground. If she didn’t let herself say goodbye to May, even if she couldn’t express it outright, it would never stop haunting her. 

When she reached May’s side, she hardly even looked up. May was usually silent, but this felt different. This was silence in place of a sob. 

Slowly, Daisy took May’s hand into her own. 

At first, nothing- as if May was too surprised to respond. 

A moment later, May returned the grip. Daisy leaned her cheek against May’s shoulder and they stood there, silent together, for what felt like eternity. And when Daisy whispered “I’m sorry,” she wasn’t even sure if May heard her. But perhaps that was a good thing. Because if they’d talked, then everything Daisy wasn’t saying would have come flooding out. 

[I’m sorry I did what I did. I’m sorry I hurt you all. 

I’m sorry Andrew is dead because of me. 

I’m sorry I’m leaving, but I have to. 

I hope you’ll understand, and I’m sorry if you don’t.] 

May just squeezed Daisy’s hand tighter. 

This felt so much like home, and it made Daisy want to cry. She wanted to stay. She wanted to stay so, so badly. 

And when Daisy stood back in front of the Zephyr, the ceremony about to start up again, she glanced one more time at all of them- Fitz and Jemma leaning on one another, Mack and Lincoln on the benches a few feet in front of her, Coulson standing next to May at the casket, Bobbi and Hunter’s minuscule forms in the distance. Lincoln turned back over his shoulder and gave her a wave, happy, casual- as if he was just saying ‘bye for now’. Which, she realized, he was. 

She hoped he’d be okay. 

She hoped they’d all be okay. 

They had to be. 

From then on, everything she did was with a vindictive, self-destructive satisfaction. She put the quinjet on autopilot, just as Coulson had wanted her to. She slipped back into a nearly empty base, a few agents greeting her as she came through the doors, and she smiled at them as if she hadn’t a care in the world. She returned to her bunk, intent on taking only her jacket and her laptop.

And she took the long way out of the base, through the destroyed hangar bay. She wound through the destruction she’d caused like a maze and it was agonizing to see, but she told herself it was necessary. It was necessary because she knew she’d never forget the feeling. She’d done this. She couldn’t come back here.  
And when she slid the hangar door shut behind her, its metallic creaking thud as familiar as ever, she found the hole in her chest bigger than she’d ever have thought possible. 

They were all going to come back here and find her gone. 

[I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry.]

\---------

Silence was Melinda May’s home. It was comfortable, consistent- after Bahrain, silence was all she’d had. Silence was all that had kept her from breaking apart entirely. And it felt secure as well. There was a solidity in knowing the presences of the members of her team- her family, really- without having to say anything. They were there, they watched each other’s backs and they all trusted her, speechless as she usually was. 

In this moment, she’d never hated her silence more. 

Daisy was gone. 

She couldn’t explain exactly how she’d known, since they hadn’t checked the infirmary. But when May had walked through the base doors, something had felt so fundamentally wrong that she hadn’t doubted it for a second. 

Perhaps she’d left a message for them, and perhaps she hadn’t. 

It didn’t change the fact that she was gone. And although she’d been gone for so long after Hive took control of her, this felt different. Because this time they all knew she’d left of her own free will. 

And May recognized the heavy shroud Daisy had worn ever since she’d returned. It was guilt. The armor-piercing, black-hole-in-your-soul guilt that perhaps has no real end. 

Daisy’s words were in May’s ears now, the gentle “I’m sorry” that May had heard as sympathy, a small gesture of comfort she’d let herself lean into without deeper consideration of what Daisy might have meant. 

[I’m sorry you lost someone you loved.] 

Stupid, stupid, stupid. May’s chest had been a cavern of grief and she’d only just wanted silence. Of course Daisy had been saying more than that. 

[I’m sorry I did what I did. I’m sorry I hurt you all. 

I’m sorry Andrew is dead because of me. 

I’m sorry I’m leaving, but I have to. 

I hope you’ll understand, and I’m sorry if you don’t.] 

May had never regretted her silence more than now. She should have said something. She should have attended to what now seemed clear as day- that Daisy had been saying goodbye. 

It didn’t make sense. Daisy was alive. She’d been freed from Hive’s control, her blood volume would replenish over time, and she was alive. 

So why did May feel the Bahrain-shaped chasm in her heart splitting open yet again? 

It didn’t make sense, and still.

It did. 

She hadn’t needed to let the girl go this time, and yet the girl was gone anyway. 

The universe laughed right then. Melinda May, gone full circle again. 

But this was what the universe didn’t know. Melinda May wielded her resolve like a steel spear. And she was going to find Daisy. She was going to find Daisy, because Daisy needed her family. She was going to find Daisy because Andrew had died saving her, and May had loved him. She was going to find Daisy because she loved her. She was going to find Daisy because the universe was telling her to let the girl go all over again, and she planned on staring the universe right back in the face and telling it to go to hell. 

She was going to bring Daisy home again. And this time she would not stay silent.


End file.
